A real man opens the car door for his wife… I did it while driving at 90mph

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They’re going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

A real man opens the car door for his wife… I did it while driving at 90mph

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Epic wife

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’

‘Where are you going, Coochy Coo?’ asked the wife.

‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,’ he answered. I’m going to have a beer.’

The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’ She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, Lollipop… but at the ba r. .. You know…they have frozen glasses… ‘

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, ‘You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?’ She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?’

‘You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?’ She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken ! wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

‘But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’

‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH.IT! SIT YOUR AS.S DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED AS.S ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA.SS?’

source:  www.http://www.searchquotes.com/search/Adult_Humor/

Epic wife

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Weird Scientology Facts

#15 L. Ron Hubbard

The founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, was a science fiction novelist who turned to writing self-help books for a living. Hubbard was quoted in 1948 saying, “Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.”

#14 Evil Xenu

Scientology says that 75 million years ago, some intergalactic overlord named Xenu exiled people to Earth to solve a population issue. When the souls of the humans left the bodies, Xenu captured the souls and implanted them with false images of Christ and other historical events that Hubbard claims to have never existed.

#13 Hubbard’s dea.th

Although Scientology opposes the use of psychiatric dr.ugs, L. Ron Hubbard was using Vistaril when he d.ied.

#12 Operation Snow White

Starting in 1973, the church was responsible for “Operation Snow White”, which planted operatives inside the IRS, FBI, Justice Department, and the American Medical Association. These operatives stole and copied thousands of documents that may be used in silencing Church opponents.

#11 I’m on a boat

In the 1960s, Scientology used to be run from a boat — specifically, a ship called the Apollo that carried Hubbard and his followers. His trusted aides were teenage girls who wore a uniform of platforms and hot pants — and Hubbard was “commodore”.

#10 A billion years

Sea Org members are required to sign a billion-year contract dedicating their life to Scientology. They are paid around $50 a week.

#9 No treatment

Sickness is believed to be the fault of the person who is sick, and Sea Org members are not provided health insurance, sick days, or any medicine.

#8 No complaining

Letters that Sea Org members write to their own families are screened for any negativity or messages of unhappiness. The Sea Org reserves the right to ship family members off to work in different areas or countries, and if families complain, they are punished.

#7 FBI investigation

The church has been investigated by the FBI since December 2009, with a focus on “human trafficking” within the Sea Org at the Gold Base in California.

#6 Spy on mommy and daddy

When it’s time to be audited, children are encouraged to spy on their parents and tell the church their findings.

#5 Raising kids

The birth and upbringing of children is strictly controlled; there are strict rules surrounding their upbringing — including diets and no contact with anyone outside of the religion. Good luck to Tom Cruise with that.

#4 Rupert Murdoch

The media mogul has been outspoken on Twitter about his feelings towards Scientology.

#3 Nonbelievers

Scientologists refer to non-Scientologists as “wogs”, which is a copyrighted term.

#2 Leader’s wife

Since 2006, Michele Diane “Shelly” Miscavige, the wife of the church’s leader, has not been seen in public. She reportedly disappeared after she had filled job vacancies without her husband’s permission.

#1 Abuse from the top

David Miscavige, the leader of the Church of Scientology, has been involved in scandals concerning illegal or unethical practices — including beating his aides and humiliating staff members.

[Via:]

Weird Scientology Facts

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When my wife says that we are going to the mall to buy me new clothes.

When my wife says that we are going to the mall to buy me new clothes.

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